Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
