I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
