I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
