You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
