You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
