I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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