No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize