even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have aggressive nipples.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
