I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize