i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize