I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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