My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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