Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
