i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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