u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
