i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
