I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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