Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
