I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
