Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
