All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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