How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
