I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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