i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We left the knife in your bed.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm getting married
To pizza
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
