i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
