Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize