Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
