Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Redeem this text for a blowjob
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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