Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
