Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
