I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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