We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i think i just lost a toe
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
