I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
