I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
