i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
