i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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