I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
