My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
