this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
