Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
