dude i'm inner monologue high
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
