It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
