Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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