How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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