The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
