At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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