words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
