just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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