I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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