Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
