so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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