For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
