I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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