maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
we should paint friendship bongs
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