Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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