walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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