My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
