Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
