the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
