it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
